Dear Auntie Agony,
Why do we have to do chores all the time? I’m sick of it and it seems like they never end.

I don’t like chores either – but I also don’t like to eat on dirty dishes! Being in a family means sharing responsibilities for the things the family needs done. Take a soccer team for example. You need to have several forward to push the ball toward the opposite goal, several defenders to guard your goal and get the ball moving in the opposite direction, and a goalie to defend the net. One person alone can’t score, defend the team, and guard the goal. A team of one will be overwhelmed and lose.

Your family is a team. There are a lot of things that need to be done: parents need to work, pay bills, keep up the yard, do housework. They have to arrange for schooling and music lessons and sports and church activities. Their most important job is to help you know and love Jesus. In order to help your team win, your parents need you to be a good sport and pitch in with what the team needs to do.

Learn to take pleasure in a job well done for your family, whether it’s unloading the dishwasher, picking up after the dog, or keeping your room clean. Be a leader for your team, and enjoy the rewards together. The lessons you learn right now about working hard without complaining are going to help you in your school work, your future career, and your own family, one day.

Work hard and become a leader, be lazy and become a slave.
Proverbs 12:24

Dear Auntie Agony,
My dog Cocoa is really old and I’m afraid she’s going to die soon. Do animals really go to heaven?

The Bible doesn’t specifically say if animals go to heaven or not, but it would be easier for those of us who love animals if it did! Here are a few things we do know:

1. God cares for animals. He created them and according to Genesis 1:22 He blessed them.

2. God watches his animals. Matthew 10:29 tells us that not even a sparrow falls to the ground without God knowing about it.

3. In heaven there will be no unhappiness, whether our pets are there or not. We don’t understand how this happens, but He promises this to be true.

I love my dog, Brie, and it’s hard for me to think that she won’t be with me. But like everything else I love, I have to place her in God’s good hands and trust that He has a plan for her – and for me – that’s just right. Can you place Cocoa in God’s good and loving hands, too?

You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
Psalm 36:6c-7a

Dear Aunt Agony,
I am 13 and almost identical to my cousin, but am a few inches taller (Like 5 or 6). She seems to get all of the boys, I am taller then almost all of the guys at our Middle School. I like this guy and I want to know if guys are intimidated by my height?

You have the same problem that a lot of tall girls do – especially at your age. At 13, you’ve already had your major growth spurt while most of the guys your age, and even those a few years older, have not. While some boys may be intimidated by taller girls you have to think of all the benefits you’re getting. You’ll have beautiful long legs and can wear jeans that won’t need to be hemmed and still look good with flip flops. More styles of clothes will be open to you. Everyone has some outstanding features, whether they are beautiful eyes, silky hair, smooth skin, long legs, or pretty hands. But not everyone has the same features! And not every guy will be attracted to the same girls, just like you don’t find every boy equally interesting. Don’t worry about intimidating guys. There is more to you than what’s on the outside, there’s the whole you – inside and out. You’ll find someone who appreciates you for just who you are and won’t take a second look at your cousin!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 134:19a

Dear Auntie Agony,

WELL… there’s this boy that i like but i don’t know if he really likes me back, and he flirts with all the girls at my church. And he shows off all the time! And it’s really annoying…but why does he flirt with girls all the time???? And how do i know if he really likes me???

Ah, the question all girls want to ask – is he just being friendly, or is he being extra-friendly to me? And you know what? It’s hard to tell. I asked my resident expert, a seventeen year old boy. This is what he says:

“Dudes like to talk and flirt with a lot of girls, it’s interesting to them, and we think it’s interesting to you. Plus, when we talk with our own friends, a lot of it is jokey, and playful and poking fun at one another. When we talk with chicks who are our friends, we treat them just like the dudes. But – when we like a girl, we’re more likely to tone things down with her a little. We talk to her a bit more softly, we are more interested in what she has to say.”

Does the boy you like take more time with you? Talk a bit more softly? If so, he might return your interest. If not, he probably thinks of you as one of his friends. Which isn’t all bad, but maybe is a signal for you that it’s time to move on!

“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand:

the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden.

Proverbs 30:18-19

Dear Auntie Agony,

Well I have this friend, and all she talks about is boys. My dad doesn’t like that and I want to be a true friend, so I tell her don’t talk about it. But she won’t stop. What should I do?

It sounds to me like your friend has just discovered boys, or a particular boy, and like anyone who discovers something new and interesting it’s on her mind all the time. If this is a relatively new change in her life it might just be a phase she’s passing through. You could gently remind her that there are other interesting things in life to talk about and that your friendship is becoming a little boring when you can never chat about anything else.

If she’s been going on about this for a while, and not listening to you, it doesn’t sound like she’s being a very good friend. She’s not respecting the boundaries your dad has set (and good job for having the kind of relationship with your dad that you can talk about these things!). She’s not allowing you to share in the decision about what your discussions are about. She’s being kind of selfish.

Some interest in boys is natural and normal, but sometimes when people are obsessed it takes a blunt statement to get their attention. You might try one more time and tell her, “I know you’re interested in talking about boys all the time, but I’m really not, and my parents are uncomfortable with it. It’s not worth getting in troubled over this. I like our friendship, so when you’re ready to talk about other stuff, too, give me a call.”

Be brave. It’s better for you to tell her the truth straight up before she loses all of her quality friends or heads down a road that leads to nothing but trouble.

The wise are glad to be instructed, but babbling fools fall flat on their faces.
Proverbs 10:8

Dear Auntie Agony,
Last school year my best friend didn’t talk to me for a year and i still have no clue why! And now we just started junior high, and i have tons of classes with her, and she’s acting like nothing happened. What should i do?

In this case, silence isn’t golden, it’s downright confusing! Did you try to talk with her last year to ask why she suddenly cut you out? Was she trying to hang with a new crowd – and you weren’t cool enough? Or was she simply trying to expand her circle of friends to include more than just one person…

A lot of times, as young women grow older; they expand their friendships from one BFF to include a group of people they really like for different reasons. You might have a zany friend, a listening-ear friend, a stand-up-for-me friend, a friend who likes to shop, friends on your sports teams. That’s actually healthier, and happier, than just depending on one person to be it all for you.

Maybe your best friend was feeling like she needed some space and wanted to include others in her group. Or maybe she felt like she got too good for you and wanted a more popular group.

The most important question is what do YOU want to do? It seems like your friend has called all the shots so far – when to stop talking, when to start it up – and now it’s your turn. If you’d like to be friends again, ask her what happened last year. It’s best to talk in person, but if you feel nervous, you could always start by texting and then turn it to a conversation after the ball gets rolling. See what she has to say, and if it makes sense to you, you could take slow steps toward hanging out again.

Maybe you’ve already moved on, found other friends and don’t really feel like being close with her any more. Just respond to her politely and kindly, but then move on to your new friends. Haven’t made any yet? Time to expand that group. Your new circle of fantastic friends might be waiting for you, too. Friendship is a gift from God. Spend time with people YOU like to spend time with, who listen to and care about you and make life fun, not just friends you’re “supposed” to like but who haven’t been very nice.

A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate.
Proverbs 15:17

Dear Auntie Agony,

Me and a friend got really close through our church last year, and i told her how Christlike i thought her life was. Now, though it seems like she is starting to not be her, rock solid self. like she would never do anything that was wrong, or could be interpreted that way, but now its okay to hang all over guys, and disobey her parents, and use bad language. But then we get to church on Sunday and she is this perfect little, God-following angel who would never hug a guy. And during Wednesday night church she is texting and talking and totally ignoring the message, unless the pastor or our parents are around. I don’t know how to talk to her. I tried but she just blew me off. I don’t want to lose my friendship, but if she keeps doing this, well, it gets annoying…what should I do?

It’s really hard to see the clay, not-so-pretty feet of someone that you like a lot – and used to admire. Is she going through a period where she’s unsure of herself and is trying to figure out who she is by pushing some limits? Or maybe this is the “real” girl who has been there – hidden – all along? She’s inconsiderate and maybe a little hypocritical since she’s acting one way in front of her friends and another in front of adults. It’s hard to see someone you used to look up to behaving in a way that doesn’t make her shine.

So…maybe it’s YOUR turn to be Christlike & rock solid – what do you say? Your friend was a good example to you and now you can be one to her. YOU listen to the message, and hang a bit more tightly with people who are acting respectfully, but still like regular teenagers. Talk with guys but don’t hang on them if she is. Confront her honestly but gently about how she’s changed, but if she blows you off again, then let her go. If you’re uncomfortable hanging with her and her current behavior put a little distance between the two of you and use the opportunity to know some of the other girls/guys at church.

Find a project to work on that doesn’t include her. Move a little closer to a new group. If she’s truly your friend, she’ll come back and want to spend time together which might include that honest but gentle discussion. If she doesn’t, maybe it was a friendship for a season, a season that has passed. Friendships are meant to feel good to both people. If it’s not feeling like that to you any more, time to move on.

Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:1

Dear Auntie Agony,

My parents are getting a divorce. It makes me really sad, and also, kind of worried. If your parents break up, does that mean there’s more chance for you to get a divorce, too, when get married?

I’m sorry about your parents divorce. Divorce is hard. In the book of Malachi, the Bible says that God hates divorce. I’ll bet that if you ask anyone who has ever been involved in a divorce – man, woman or child – they would say that they hate divorce, too. All people marry with the intention of staying together.

Because our world isn’t heaven it’s full of both health and sickness, purity and sin, giving and selfishness. We all struggle to make right decisions. Some of the choices people make hurt their spouse so much that the hurt person rightfully asks for a divorce. Other people make wrong decisions to divorce. Some people are divorced when they don’t want to be. Most of the time its a complicated situation.

Most parents want their kids to grow up to be wiser, stronger, and happier than they are. because of this, your parents will not want you to undergo the pain of a divorce, even if they are divorced themselves. Reassure your parents of your love and then ask them, “What can I do to avoid getting divorced when I grow up?” They will share their experiences in this area so that you can make the best choices possible. Just because your parents got a divorce doesn’t mean you have to. You can learn from their experiences, you can get Godly counsel. God can take something that was painful for your parents and family and use it to prepare you for your future. He can give you skills and insight that perhaps they didn’t have.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them. Romans 8:28 NLT

Hey! Welcome to the Auntie Agony site. British teens know that an Agony Aunt is a columnist who answers questions and offers advice to people who write in.

I want to hear from you!

Email me your questions about faith, family, friends, school, guys, or just about anything else on your mind. (Click on the link to the right – Ask Auntie Agony!) While I can’t answer all questions received or respond personally, I promise to answer at least one question each week.

Agonizingly yours,
Auntie

Okay, the first thing you have to do is define what “mean” is. Is she trash talking you behind your back or cutting you down in public? Making you follower to her leader? Or is she simply not doing things your way?  Maybe you were coming on too strong since you’re so happy to have her as a friend now. Don’t try to take new friendships from zero to sixty. If you did, she might have chilled things a bit to get some personal space.

After you’ve checked yourself out, you might ask her, “Did I do something to offend you? Can we talk about it?”

If she’s still mean then it’s time to take a closer look at your new “friend”. Consider the lowly lemon tree. At first you can’t tell the difference between it and any other kind of tree. Right? But then as time goes on maybe one lemon comes out, then two. The longer you stick with the tree, the more lemons you see. It takes time for real character to come out.

Don’t constantly analyze or gossip to see if you’re the only person seeing sour fruit. Don’t waste your time trying to change this person, either. If the problems don’t go away, look around and find good, sweet, kind friends. ‘Cause no matter what you do, until the other girl’s heart is changed, she can only serve lemonade.

A tree is identified by its fruit. Make a tree good, and its fruit will be good. Make a tree bad, and its fruit will be bad…For whatever is in your heart determine what you say. A good person produces good fruit from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil fruit from an evil heart. Matthew 12:33-35 NLT

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