Dear Auntie Agony,

Lately, my only friend isn’t hanging with me, and my mum offered 4 me to be home-schooled next year. I want to go since I don’t have friends. I don’t know what to do. Please please help me Auntie Agony.

It must be scary to feel like you’ve lost your only friend. But it can turn into a good thing, too. How? It gives you the opportunity to make new friends. How did you make your friend in the first place? Usually we make friends with people who live close to us or who go to school with us. We also make friends at church or when we’re doing things we enjoy. This is true no matter what schooling choice you make. If you choose to be homeschooled, as you and your mom look for homeschool activities to take part in, you’ll have a whole new group of people in your life, all potential new friends. And if you choose to stay at your current school, you’ll have friend making opportunities, too. You will have new classmates and new teachers next year. Maybe having one friend felt like enough so you weren’t aware of other kids who might share your interests or need or want a friend. Maybe you’ll go from one friend to many friends!

God knows we need friends whether we go to school or are homeschooled. Trust Him to help provide you with friends throughout your life. Keep your eyes open to all the kids around you, and keep your mind open to saying, “Hello, what’s your name?” to someone new. Remember, to make a friend, you need to be a friend first. Keep an open heart toward the people you meet. Sometimes the person we think we could never be friends with turns out to be the very person God placed in our path to be our best pal.

Your Father knows the things you need before you ask him. Matthew 6:8b

Dear Auntie Agony,

Well I have this friend, and all she talks about is boys. My dad doesn’t like that and I want to be a true friend, so I tell her don’t talk about it. But she won’t stop. What should I do?

It sounds to me like your friend has just discovered boys, or a particular boy, and like anyone who discovers something new and interesting it’s on her mind all the time. If this is a relatively new change in her life it might just be a phase she’s passing through. You could gently remind her that there are other interesting things in life to talk about and that your friendship is becoming a little boring when you can never chat about anything else.

If she’s been going on about this for a while, and not listening to you, it doesn’t sound like she’s being a very good friend. She’s not respecting the boundaries your dad has set (and good job for having the kind of relationship with your dad that you can talk about these things!). She’s not allowing you to share in the decision about what your discussions are about. She’s being kind of selfish.

Some interest in boys is natural and normal, but sometimes when people are obsessed it takes a blunt statement to get their attention. You might try one more time and tell her, “I know you’re interested in talking about boys all the time, but I’m really not, and my parents are uncomfortable with it. It’s not worth getting in troubled over this. I like our friendship, so when you’re ready to talk about other stuff, too, give me a call.”

Be brave. It’s better for you to tell her the truth straight up before she loses all of her quality friends or heads down a road that leads to nothing but trouble.

The wise are glad to be instructed, but babbling fools fall flat on their faces.
Proverbs 10:8

Dear Auntie Agony,
Last school year my best friend didn’t talk to me for a year and i still have no clue why! And now we just started junior high, and i have tons of classes with her, and she’s acting like nothing happened. What should i do?

In this case, silence isn’t golden, it’s downright confusing! Did you try to talk with her last year to ask why she suddenly cut you out? Was she trying to hang with a new crowd – and you weren’t cool enough? Or was she simply trying to expand her circle of friends to include more than just one person…

A lot of times, as young women grow older; they expand their friendships from one BFF to include a group of people they really like for different reasons. You might have a zany friend, a listening-ear friend, a stand-up-for-me friend, a friend who likes to shop, friends on your sports teams. That’s actually healthier, and happier, than just depending on one person to be it all for you.

Maybe your best friend was feeling like she needed some space and wanted to include others in her group. Or maybe she felt like she got too good for you and wanted a more popular group.

The most important question is what do YOU want to do? It seems like your friend has called all the shots so far – when to stop talking, when to start it up – and now it’s your turn. If you’d like to be friends again, ask her what happened last year. It’s best to talk in person, but if you feel nervous, you could always start by texting and then turn it to a conversation after the ball gets rolling. See what she has to say, and if it makes sense to you, you could take slow steps toward hanging out again.

Maybe you’ve already moved on, found other friends and don’t really feel like being close with her any more. Just respond to her politely and kindly, but then move on to your new friends. Haven’t made any yet? Time to expand that group. Your new circle of fantastic friends might be waiting for you, too. Friendship is a gift from God. Spend time with people YOU like to spend time with, who listen to and care about you and make life fun, not just friends you’re “supposed” to like but who haven’t been very nice.

A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate.
Proverbs 15:17

Dear Auntie Agony,

Me and a friend got really close through our church last year, and i told her how Christlike i thought her life was. Now, though it seems like she is starting to not be her, rock solid self. like she would never do anything that was wrong, or could be interpreted that way, but now its okay to hang all over guys, and disobey her parents, and use bad language. But then we get to church on Sunday and she is this perfect little, God-following angel who would never hug a guy. And during Wednesday night church she is texting and talking and totally ignoring the message, unless the pastor or our parents are around. I don’t know how to talk to her. I tried but she just blew me off. I don’t want to lose my friendship, but if she keeps doing this, well, it gets annoying…what should I do?

It’s really hard to see the clay, not-so-pretty feet of someone that you like a lot – and used to admire. Is she going through a period where she’s unsure of herself and is trying to figure out who she is by pushing some limits? Or maybe this is the “real” girl who has been there – hidden – all along? She’s inconsiderate and maybe a little hypocritical since she’s acting one way in front of her friends and another in front of adults. It’s hard to see someone you used to look up to behaving in a way that doesn’t make her shine.

So…maybe it’s YOUR turn to be Christlike & rock solid – what do you say? Your friend was a good example to you and now you can be one to her. YOU listen to the message, and hang a bit more tightly with people who are acting respectfully, but still like regular teenagers. Talk with guys but don’t hang on them if she is. Confront her honestly but gently about how she’s changed, but if she blows you off again, then let her go. If you’re uncomfortable hanging with her and her current behavior put a little distance between the two of you and use the opportunity to know some of the other girls/guys at church.

Find a project to work on that doesn’t include her. Move a little closer to a new group. If she’s truly your friend, she’ll come back and want to spend time together which might include that honest but gentle discussion. If she doesn’t, maybe it was a friendship for a season, a season that has passed. Friendships are meant to feel good to both people. If it’s not feeling like that to you any more, time to move on.

Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:1

Okay, the first thing you have to do is define what “mean” is. Is she trash talking you behind your back or cutting you down in public? Making you follower to her leader? Or is she simply not doing things your way?  Maybe you were coming on too strong since you’re so happy to have her as a friend now. Don’t try to take new friendships from zero to sixty. If you did, she might have chilled things a bit to get some personal space.

After you’ve checked yourself out, you might ask her, “Did I do something to offend you? Can we talk about it?”

If she’s still mean then it’s time to take a closer look at your new “friend”. Consider the lowly lemon tree. At first you can’t tell the difference between it and any other kind of tree. Right? But then as time goes on maybe one lemon comes out, then two. The longer you stick with the tree, the more lemons you see. It takes time for real character to come out.

Don’t constantly analyze or gossip to see if you’re the only person seeing sour fruit. Don’t waste your time trying to change this person, either. If the problems don’t go away, look around and find good, sweet, kind friends. ‘Cause no matter what you do, until the other girl’s heart is changed, she can only serve lemonade.

A tree is identified by its fruit. Make a tree good, and its fruit will be good. Make a tree bad, and its fruit will be bad…For whatever is in your heart determine what you say. A good person produces good fruit from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil fruit from an evil heart. Matthew 12:33-35 NLT

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